Its been a while since I updated and I finally got it together to write something. If you dont want to read it all I made a short version at the end of the post
So, what has happened pokerwise?
Since my peek in August I have gone pretty much down down and down, both playwise and bankrollwise. I guess I could blame it on a downswing or something but I wouldnt be fair to myself if I did that.
When I play I have zero confidence and very bad timing in almost every aspect of the game. I get it in bad, I get outdrawn and I cant draw out myself. This has made me loose almost all of my patience in the game, which I need and actually is the thing I miss the most (compared to before). Before I could just say "hey, it happens all the time that someone draws out", but now I go on tilt immediately.
It got so bad I almost could describe my state of mind as a degenerate gambler. I want to get the money in in a lot of situations I shouldnt, I want to make really thin valuebets and call down light. I have also become a callingstation, both in the sence that I want to herocall most of FI bets on the river, but also float too much on the flop etc so I can "outplay these bad players". It took a while before I realized I was the one that played bad.
The worst thing is that I havnt been able to shake these feelings of me. Everytime I sit down to play I "seek action", no matter if its a good play or a bad one. If I want to be a player that lives of my winnings I need to make the correct play, no matter what. This has been the exact opposite for me now for a while which is a bit hurtful. In many situations I know what the best play is, but a gambling-side of me just want it to look exotic and really advanced and I end up making the "fun" choice instead of the good one.
I also sit and am angry at all the bad tightass players that just sits and plays the nuts, never bluff and dont do anything crazy at all. My whole body wants to improve, play more creativly, more loose and more aggressive. But at these low limits I am playing at, noone invites me to do these moves. So instead of adjusting to the plays they do and just take their money I want to play like a NL1000 reg (a bad one ) and looses money.
I think it all roots in my quest to play a game similar to 26/22/3. I force myself to play hands I dont want to which leads me to end up in situations I am not too good at solving and then I do something stupid instead of just continue to the next hand. What I should do is just relaxe and let the game come back to me. I should be playing just 21/19/2,5 until I feel I love the game again, I can make the correct plays and then the motivation will come back to me! Then I play looser again.
The first half of October I played like 12k hands at NL200 and lost a little less then 3k. After that I have been thinking some of the above things (and most of the time tried to not think about poker at all) so I havnt played a single hand online in almost a month now. I know all this stuff sounds just like a lot of complaining but I need to get it out somewhere. Its like therapy to write it down and here I can be perfectly honoust with myself. I actually think that since I can make myself to write all this down I have come a long way to "heal" as a pokerplayer. I can face the problems I have with my game and then I can change the things that are wrong.
So, hopefully I can get my love for the game back. Without out that I dont have any motivation to play, and if I dont have any motivation there is no point in playing. Maybe I have come to a point in life where I should quit poker and do something with my life. I dont know...
Until I know the answer to this question I dont think I will update this blog too much. I need to find what I want to do without feeling any pressure. But when I have decided I will let you know!
What have I been doing instead of playing poker?
Much of my time has gone to my violin, or rather viola (that I play in the orchestra). We recently had a concert where we played music from a lot of famous movies like Pirates of the Carribean and Forrest Gump, and since I love that kind of music it was really nice to play.
Now we are setting up Gustaf Mahlers 6th symphony. Since the concert is already next week we are practising 4 times a week, and since its pretty advanced music I also have to practise a lot at home. So it takes a lot of my time, but its worth it. We will have a little more then 100 people (!) playing in the orchestra on the concert so its going to be really magnificent! I am really looking forward to it!
Here is a small peak at the symphony (the piece starts at 0.25):
Not to boast or anything but the quality of the orchestra is so good that it sounds like this And our conducter has atleast this much energy!
Short version
I suck at poker and instead of continue to loose money I play a lot of viola in the orchestra. (The piece above is the one we are setting up next week.) Hopefully I can find the joy for the game so I can continue play, otherwise its time to move on with my life!
The big disadvantage with the cashgame test imo is that its 10-handed and doesnt give any real hard decisions. It also feels like pokerstars software
But as a fun and small pointer at were you are in the game I think its good!
If August was my best month so far, September has been my worst. Nothing has worked. It started of really good the first days. But then I started playing pretty bad, lost my confidence and played even worse. I also started to play at Noble Poker but I didnt find any flow at all, just hating the software.
Because of this I havnt had any motivation to play at all. I know I shouldnt react like this but I have. So the volume is my lowest in a very long time.
My trip to Prague wasnt a success pokerwise either even if it otherwise was a blast! Its such a nice city and really beautiful!
Graphs for the month:
FTP:
iPoker:
Including livelosses of maybe 3k I am down about 7k.
Tomorrow I will start my recovery. I know I have the game to do it but I also need the mental strength to deal with downswings etc. So, now its time to prove that!
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And our conducter has atleast this much energy! 
